burning down the house

Yet another important Burning House discussion.

Baxter:

at first i was like, ok this is reasonable
but then the list goes: “the usual: climbing sundries”
THE USUAL

Me: wait what?
people outside will give you food
is this guy’s house in the caves of mongolia

Baxter: also are you going to go climb a tree?
this person is bringing their Usher cologne with them –

USHER.

Me: like i think our main thesis in our problem with this site and its contributors is what they’re trying to put on
like here’s what I want you to know about me
this isn’t hipstercirclejerk.tumblr

Baxter: hahahaha, exactly
this person however –

…might be jason bourne?

Me: haha nk

Baxter: good job bringing your gopro and your glock
take some hi res video of you shooting someone’s head off
Also, i understand that having something of your grandparents is very like emotional and i get it, but like all of these are like, MY GRANDPAS GOOD FARTING PANTS

Me: hhaahahahaha dying
also, maybe the problem with this site is that they’re not setting up the fire scenario
like – how much time you have before certain death

Baxter: right? like ok if i have a day to inventory all my shit and have it ready in my head what im taking, or if i have one minute and its just panic

Me: all these hipsters are imagining very leisurely burning fires
like the fire is just sort of meandering its way through the house
but i think what it should be is YOU WOKE UP IN SMOKE
YOU HAVE A SINGLE MINUTE
YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TO CRAWL

Baxter:

this person is bringing coffee and a donut
and chocolate

Me: A DONUT
a cup of coffee on a plate
nail polish
TWO PENS
here’s another thing: everyone keeps forgetting THEIR WALLET
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EVEN GET A HOTEL ROOM
or go get a drink to forget your charred existence

Baxter: i have to send you this entire post because http://theburninghouse.com/post/41436675679/can-gokturk 

Screen shot 2013-05-16 at 4.13.11 PM

Baxter: for age they put the year
OCCUPATION
also appears to be a man, but is bringing pointe shoes

Me: BASSOONIST

Baxter: fairy chimney
carrot statuette
finger puppet
DIE IN A FIRE

Me: just carry this whole stupid dresser out with you
and trip on the stairs
and die
I HATE THIS

Baxter: just jump into the mirror you psycho

Me: hahahaha
is there anything you and I are more passionate about together
seriously, like we could go on for HOURS

Baxter: i was just thinking that
if the mere mention of this site occurs
all bets are off

Me: STOP EVERYTHING. DEAL WITH BURNING HOUSE.

Me: but seriously, you have one minute
what do you grab?
and you have access to most rooms, like the fire is on your roof but coming in hot
you have one minute
I’d grab – passport, cat, purse, keys, computer
and i’m thinking of other stuff but I’m like, I’d feel silly standing outside my burning house with a framed concert poster

Baxter: i just walked around my apartment
computer, ipad, phone, michael kors watch
maybe my running medals?

Me: i’m seriously going to walk around

Baxter: haha right? like i dont know

Me: what do I grab that I absolutely need or cannot replace
also, in this scenario, Toby better not be squirrelly and hide under the bed
wow seriously, toby might legit die in a fire scenario

Me: the only thing this site makes me want to do is to put things that are incredibly sentimental or irreplaceable into a bag I could grab in case of emergency
we could have a party where you come over with your bag and we JUDGE EACH OTHERS FIRE BAG

Baxter: hahaha omg thats a great idea
Fire party
Burning House Party

Me: seriously!!!!

Baxter: im serious!

Me: and we take pictures of it

Baxter: lets do it when we can have a fire in your chimnea and throw someone in it

Me: my cat

Baxter: hahahaha
sorry tobes

Me: since we’ve established she’d likely die
my uterus too
since it won’t be used before it expires

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the naked hipster

So something happened last night, while I was up late working on a freelance project.

Because I’m too tired, I’m just gonna provide you with the frantic Skype messages I sent my friend Kelsey in the middle of the night:

KELSEY OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
i’m sitting here
6:20 AM
it’s 6:20
6:20 AM
i’m just wrapping up
6:20 AM
and I hear my door open (the one that goes to the hallway)
6:20 AM
and hear someone open it, walk in
6:20 AM
and so I say, hello?! who is there?!
6:21 AM
Silence. But someone IS standing there
6:21 AM
so I get up and walk quickly over, grabbing a large ceramic mug and a pair of scissors in case I need them
6:21 AM
THERE IS A MAN
6:21 AM
STANDING THERE
6:21 AM
HIS PANTS ON THE FLOOR
6:22 AM
this fucking hipster just walks in, with his flannel coat on, and his pants to the floor like he was either trying to find the bathroom or a late night booty call. and he is drunk off his ASS
6:22 AM
and so I see him and I’m like, UH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING
6:22 AM
him: I’m Caleb
6:23 AM
Me: Yeah, I don’t know you. What the fuck are you doing in my apartment, WHILE YOUR PANTS ARE ON THE FLOOR
6:29 AM
he looks super confused and keeps just standing there
6:29 AM
Him: is this? not? Steven’s apartment?
6:29 AM
me: DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IT IS?
6:29 AM
he continues to stand there
6:29 AM
and I walk away so he’ll like, turn around and leave
6:29 AM
so I don’t have to stare at his shriveled up hipster penis
6:30 AM
and he just sorta shuffles around and is like, mumbling or something
6:31 AM
like, uhhh i’m so sorry I … am so disoriented
6:31 AM
am i …
6:31 AM
etc etc
6:31 AM
and I say, FUCKING LEAVE
6:31 AM
PULL YOUR PANTS UP, LEAVE
6:31 AM
he finally shuffles out
6:31 AM
and I slam the door, lock it
6:32 AM
— NEVER NOT LOCKING MY DOOR AGAIN —
6:35 AM
OH MY GOD HE’S BACK
6:35 AM
I CAN HEAR HIM IN THE HALLWAY
6:35 AM
door is so totally locked
6:40 AM
i think i scared the wits out of him, poor guy
6:40 AM
i have a lot of coffee in my system
6:40 AM
WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED
6:41 AM
WHY AREN’T YOU ON SKYPE AT 6:41 AM

Turns out he was my neighbor. And it turns out he drank heavily that night. And then it turns out he sleepwalks.

call me a modern woman

You know when you’re going through a person’s Facebook photos and you click on one, and realize they’re all thumbnails? The full size is a thumbnail. I… don’t even know how that happens. Like, where are you even getting this tiny blotchy size – is this person literally saving the thumbnails from their galleries in Flickr / Snapfish /etc? It is such a ridiculous old-person thing to do.

Next: those who still have digital cameras with timestamps.

Posted in WTF

I had this dumb dream last night

… nay NIGHTMARE, where I traded in Cooter the Awesome Yaris for a shitty dented VW GTI hatch because I just had to own a GTI. I think I even signed up for super crappy financing. I woke up in a panic and literally looked out my bedroom blinds and made sure this wasn’t a IRL decision.

I like that my psyche is trying to either 1) tell me that I make crap impulse purchases or 2) asking me why a GTI hatchback is considered my dream car.

Gosh. What a white girl dream.

what if I’m literally going deaf

I was running last night in the cold and my ears started ringing. Totally normal, it was practically -1000°C last night. I ignore it. It gets worse. And then: I feel a pop.

I wake up this morning? I maaaybe have 15% hearing in my right ear, and like, 80% in my left but that could just be phantom hearing loss / confusion / panic.

I have been googling “ear pop hearing loss ringing why” and variations of it for about an hour and I am starting to PANIC. The internet is either offering me grossness or total PANIC.

Any child of the 90s remembers this movie. You have an ear ache and EVENTUALLY  all of us start considering cockroach-in-ear scenarios.

violent eye rolling

A notice of a co-worker being promoted got sent out at 9am.

By 10am:

Promoted Co-worker: So I need new business cards.

Me: I’m under a huge deadline, so can it wait until next week?

Him: Well, I guess, but I’d like them immediately.

Me: Don’t you do the exact same job, just with a different, fancier title?

Him: Yes.

Me: … and you do realize we order on the same date every month to minimize cost, just as I explained to you last time?

Him: Yep.

Me: … and you still need urgent business cards?

Him: Would you mind? I think it’s important. I’d like to give them to my family this weekend.

Me


* Also: He changed his Facebook status by 9:15am.

Posted in WTF