burning down the house

Yet another important Burning House discussion.

Baxter:

at first i was like, ok this is reasonable
but then the list goes: “the usual: climbing sundries”
THE USUAL

Me: wait what?
people outside will give you food
is this guy’s house in the caves of mongolia

Baxter: also are you going to go climb a tree?
this person is bringing their Usher cologne with them –

USHER.

Me: like i think our main thesis in our problem with this site and its contributors is what they’re trying to put on
like here’s what I want you to know about me
this isn’t hipstercirclejerk.tumblr

Baxter: hahahaha, exactly
this person however –

…might be jason bourne?

Me: haha nk

Baxter: good job bringing your gopro and your glock
take some hi res video of you shooting someone’s head off
Also, i understand that having something of your grandparents is very like emotional and i get it, but like all of these are like, MY GRANDPAS GOOD FARTING PANTS

Me: hhaahahahaha dying
also, maybe the problem with this site is that they’re not setting up the fire scenario
like – how much time you have before certain death

Baxter: right? like ok if i have a day to inventory all my shit and have it ready in my head what im taking, or if i have one minute and its just panic

Me: all these hipsters are imagining very leisurely burning fires
like the fire is just sort of meandering its way through the house
but i think what it should be is YOU WOKE UP IN SMOKE
YOU HAVE A SINGLE MINUTE
YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TO CRAWL

Baxter:

this person is bringing coffee and a donut
and chocolate

Me: A DONUT
a cup of coffee on a plate
nail polish
TWO PENS
here’s another thing: everyone keeps forgetting THEIR WALLET
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EVEN GET A HOTEL ROOM
or go get a drink to forget your charred existence

Baxter: i have to send you this entire post because http://theburninghouse.com/post/41436675679/can-gokturk 

Screen shot 2013-05-16 at 4.13.11 PM

Baxter: for age they put the year
OCCUPATION
also appears to be a man, but is bringing pointe shoes

Me: BASSOONIST

Baxter: fairy chimney
carrot statuette
finger puppet
DIE IN A FIRE

Me: just carry this whole stupid dresser out with you
and trip on the stairs
and die
I HATE THIS

Baxter: just jump into the mirror you psycho

Me: hahahaha
is there anything you and I are more passionate about together
seriously, like we could go on for HOURS

Baxter: i was just thinking that
if the mere mention of this site occurs
all bets are off

Me: STOP EVERYTHING. DEAL WITH BURNING HOUSE.

Me: but seriously, you have one minute
what do you grab?
and you have access to most rooms, like the fire is on your roof but coming in hot
you have one minute
I’d grab – passport, cat, purse, keys, computer
and i’m thinking of other stuff but I’m like, I’d feel silly standing outside my burning house with a framed concert poster

Baxter: i just walked around my apartment
computer, ipad, phone, michael kors watch
maybe my running medals?

Me: i’m seriously going to walk around

Baxter: haha right? like i dont know

Me: what do I grab that I absolutely need or cannot replace
also, in this scenario, Toby better not be squirrelly and hide under the bed
wow seriously, toby might legit die in a fire scenario

Me: the only thing this site makes me want to do is to put things that are incredibly sentimental or irreplaceable into a bag I could grab in case of emergency
we could have a party where you come over with your bag and we JUDGE EACH OTHERS FIRE BAG

Baxter: hahaha omg thats a great idea
Fire party
Burning House Party

Me: seriously!!!!

Baxter: im serious!

Me: and we take pictures of it

Baxter: lets do it when we can have a fire in your chimnea and throw someone in it

Me: my cat

Baxter: hahahaha
sorry tobes

Me: since we’ve established she’d likely die
my uterus too
since it won’t be used before it expires

Nothing good gets away

From Letters of Note

“In November of 1958, John Steinbeck — the renowned author of, most notably, The Grapes of WrathEast of Eden, and Of Mice and Men — received a letter from his eldest son, Thom, who was attending boarding school. In it, the teenager spoke of Susan, a young girl with whom he believed he had fallen in love.

Steinbeck replied the same day. His beautiful letter of advice can be enjoyed below.

(Source: Steinbeck: A Life in Letters; Image: Thom and John Steinbeck with their father in 1954, courtesy of UC Berkeley.)

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply—of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it—and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone—there is no possible harm in saying so—only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another—but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

repost: construction & catholic tradition

Me: I love that the construction site around the corner has to constantly use an air horn to signify things.
Me: Replace love with fucking hate to death.
Shawn Morrison: Sorry that’s actually me, I’ve been signaling high tide.
Me: I didn’t realize it was high tide every 21 minutes all day every day.
Shawn Morrison: I’m just guestimating.
Bill Griesau: Now tell me how you feel about the new pope being chosen.
Me: It would be awesome if the cardinals came out and they said, “Well, we chose a new pope. And it’s… this old Jewish guy who got lost in Vatican City two days ago while on a trip with his work friends.”
Me: And the whole world just gasps.
Me: And then the Jewish guy goes, “Oy vey!” and looks at the camera with a smile.
Me: CREDITS, 80s ROCK SONG

– from Maniacal Rage

stump height

me: meagan
Meagan: baxter
me: do you believe oscar pistorious shot his gf accidentally or on purpose
i am like, enthralled by this story
Meagan: haha, i know! i read that the way the bullets hit the door, he had his legs on
whereas if he really thought there was a burgler, he wouldnt have put his legs on
me: hahaha sorry lol
Meagan: so therefore, he probably shot her on purpose
I KNOW
me: had his legs on
Meagan: someone said stumps
“he shot her from stump height”
 me: haha wait
  i thought he came home
  and thought an intruder was there
  of course he had his legs on
 Meagan: no he was “asleep”
  and heard a noise when he was in bed
 me: well maybe he sleeps with his legs on
  i mean, i do
 Meagan: nautrally
 me: you gonna judge me ?
 Meagan: but his defense said he didnt have his legs on
 me: lol
  seriously
  i’m sorry
 Meagan: haha i know
 me: FUCK GET THE LEGS
  HURRY
 Meagan: THE SMOKING LEGS
 me: wait didn’t he walk through the house?
  like seek out the intruder?
 Meagan: no its like if the intruder was in my bathroom
 me: that means he would have put his legs on
 Meagan: the space from my bedroom to my bathroom isnt that long
  so they said he hobbled on his stumps over
 me:  i think it was an accident
 Meagan: lets ask charlize
 me: but i’m an optimist
 Meagan: the only other south african
 racist?
 me: no longer
  oscar has ruined the country for me
  any soiuth african joke is game
 Meagan: rachel dratch had a hilarious tweet
 that all the people in the pistorius case had hunger games names
  and its so true
 Desmond Nair
  Hilton Botha
  Reva Steencamp
 Oscar Pistorius
  District 3
 ANENE BOOYSEN
  AMPIE LOUW
  it goes on and on
 me: god, good call rachel
  remember rachel dratch in Down With Love
 Meagan: hahahah
  yes
 me: i’m glad we got to this point in the conversation
  well done
  way to steer
 Meagan: lets be real that the best part is he was granted bail because
  “he’s not a flight risk”
  well
 me: lol NO! is that it? NO!
Meagan: haha yes
me: did they take his legs?
 Meagan: like either the fastest paralympian ever
  or incapable of movement
  no inbetween
 me: hahahahahahahahaha
  did they take his legs, seriously?
 Meagan: HAHA did they take his legs
 me:  maybe just the fast legs
 Meagan: also like i know he has normal prosthetic legs, but i just keep imagining him hopping around on those running blades
 me: like, here you go – you can walk, but not too much
  good headline aljazeera
  me: hahahaha oh my god

3:31 PM me: okay wait, I’m ust reading this article re: oscar
she locked herself in the bathroom?
was he like beating her or something or was she pooping
Meagan: hahahahaha
me: DON’T POOP IN MY HOUSE
Meagan: they were fighting
  the story goes
  and after she locked herself in the bathroom he shot her
  OR
  she went up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and he didnt know what was going on and shot her
  which seems flimsy
  like you dont notice she isnt in bed
 me: that seems… odd
 Meagan: like jesus, if i get up in the middle of the night dont shoot me
  literally
  YOU ARE PEEING TOO LOUD
  BOOM

“…And as I sat there, brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out Daisy’s light at the end of his dock. He had come such a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close he could hardly fail to grasp it. But what he did not know was that it was already behind him, somewhere in the vast obscurity beyond the city.”

The Great Gatsby

…There’s a saying in Chinese. It means what is meant to be is meant to be. You don’t have to look really hard, especially when it comes to a relationship. There’s a specific time and location that is meant for the two of you to meet, to get together, and you just have to wait for your turn, and that’s something you cannot request, basically.

– Yuanyuan Di

(from this)

too many ingredients.

me: this grilled cheese thing you shared
my stomach would implode on itself
Meagan: i still dont get it!
like cheese ice cream
but then you grill the sandwich
me: with jelly?
i don’t get how this works
Meagan: i know! its like, i think i want to eat it
me: This FB comment… “Mildred Waynette B. : I will pass thank you. to many thing I can not have in one sandmich.”
that comment
Meagan: hahahaha
i fucking hate comments like that
me: like, thanks Mildred
Meagan: no one is offering you this sandwich mildred
EAT IT MILDRED
me: i know we asked you specifically if you, Mildred, wanted this sandwich
so thank you for letting us know
Meagan: Mildred, did you want this sandwich? With all these ingredients?
me: we’ll now give your sandwich to someone else
Meagan: im getting lost in her fb profile now
her dad’s name is Wayne, so therefore her MIDDLE NAME IS WAYNETTE
WAYNETTE
me:  lol
Meagan: mildred’s page is giving me high blood pressure
its literally all the bullshit repost this, crazy ugly photoshop image of sayings
me: i went there for 4 seconds and just couldn’t
Meagan: “leave one word in my status how we met 95 percent of you wont do this”. “like this if you want cancer to end”
me: ooooof
you should comment,
“I will pass on ending cancer.”
Meagan: i think im gonna pass on ending cancer
if thats ok with you
would you also like this sandwich

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

– Rainer Maria Rilke

so yeah, I have plans

Have been literally laughing about this since it was first tweeted. Like it just pops up in my memory every so often and I start laughing to myself in front of others.