#darkdeathhumor

Me: what happened in your past where you are so against social media
Me: …there’s some dark history there
Chris: think evil dead
Me: so who is the tree and who is the victim in this scenario
Chris: facebook. or pinterest, angies list, and myspace
Me: haha. i would be DEAD if you had a pinterest
Me: And I want the link to it immediately
Chris: well sorry to disappoint
Chris: dont tell me you have one to swap knitting patterns on
Me: not ever telling never nope
Chris: you do
Me: you haven’t even found my facebook
Chris: ha it wouldnt be hard
Chris: just pointless
Chris: unless you wanna be facebook official
Me: you don’t even have FB
Chris: of course i have a facebook
Chris: its just dusty and has cobwebs on it
Me: is that your cover image?
Me: just a single moth stuck in a cobweb
Me: your prof pic is that chiefs guy who shot himself
Me: …too soon?
Chris: dammit laura
Chris: yes too soon
Me: if I can handle a handicapped joke, you sure as shit can handle a Chiefs suicide joke
Chris: dont tell me how i feel!
Chris: youll never understand
Chris: you’re too numbed by the royals utter cataclysmic disappointment
Me: this is me, right now:

too many ingredients.

me: this grilled cheese thing you shared
my stomach would implode on itself
Meagan: i still dont get it!
like cheese ice cream
but then you grill the sandwich
me: with jelly?
i don’t get how this works
Meagan: i know! its like, i think i want to eat it
me: This FB comment… “Mildred Waynette B. : I will pass thank you. to many thing I can not have in one sandmich.”
that comment
Meagan: hahahaha
i fucking hate comments like that
me: like, thanks Mildred
Meagan: no one is offering you this sandwich mildred
EAT IT MILDRED
me: i know we asked you specifically if you, Mildred, wanted this sandwich
so thank you for letting us know
Meagan: Mildred, did you want this sandwich? With all these ingredients?
me: we’ll now give your sandwich to someone else
Meagan: im getting lost in her fb profile now
her dad’s name is Wayne, so therefore her MIDDLE NAME IS WAYNETTE
WAYNETTE
me:  lol
Meagan: mildred’s page is giving me high blood pressure
its literally all the bullshit repost this, crazy ugly photoshop image of sayings
me: i went there for 4 seconds and just couldn’t
Meagan: “leave one word in my status how we met 95 percent of you wont do this”. “like this if you want cancer to end”
me: ooooof
you should comment,
“I will pass on ending cancer.”
Meagan: i think im gonna pass on ending cancer
if thats ok with you
would you also like this sandwich

pheeeeeeeeeelleeeep

My neighbors get drunk EARLY sometimes. Like I’ve come home from work and gone out on my porch around 7 and they will be just MADE out of alcohol. To the point where it’s all breath and fist bumping and I’m afraid to light a match. Also, why must one pour rum into a beer.

– ANYWAY –

This girl neighbor, when she’s drunk, always shouts these commands out at her dog. 90% of the conversation will be her struggling to communicate with her barn of animals. Like Philllllippp. PHLIP. I wannn you to shhhhhake hnds. Siitttt. And the dog NEVER COMPLIES.   She will get drunk frustrated and force this dog to complete the motions.

I just like the thought that this dog is like, I’ll only perform for sober, COMPLETE SENTENCES.  Roll your r’s, please.