the naked hipster

So something happened last night, while I was up late working on a freelance project.

Because I’m too tired, I’m just gonna provide you with the frantic Skype messages I sent my friend Kelsey in the middle of the night:

KELSEY OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
OH MY GOD
6:20 AM
i’m sitting here
6:20 AM
it’s 6:20
6:20 AM
i’m just wrapping up
6:20 AM
and I hear my door open (the one that goes to the hallway)
6:20 AM
and hear someone open it, walk in
6:20 AM
and so I say, hello?! who is there?!
6:21 AM
Silence. But someone IS standing there
6:21 AM
so I get up and walk quickly over, grabbing a large ceramic mug and a pair of scissors in case I need them
6:21 AM
THERE IS A MAN
6:21 AM
STANDING THERE
6:21 AM
HIS PANTS ON THE FLOOR
6:22 AM
this fucking hipster just walks in, with his flannel coat on, and his pants to the floor like he was either trying to find the bathroom or a late night booty call. and he is drunk off his ASS
6:22 AM
and so I see him and I’m like, UH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING
6:22 AM
him: I’m Caleb
6:23 AM
Me: Yeah, I don’t know you. What the fuck are you doing in my apartment, WHILE YOUR PANTS ARE ON THE FLOOR
6:29 AM
he looks super confused and keeps just standing there
6:29 AM
Him: is this? not? Steven’s apartment?
6:29 AM
me: DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IT IS?
6:29 AM
he continues to stand there
6:29 AM
and I walk away so he’ll like, turn around and leave
6:29 AM
so I don’t have to stare at his shriveled up hipster penis
6:30 AM
and he just sorta shuffles around and is like, mumbling or something
6:31 AM
like, uhhh i’m so sorry I … am so disoriented
6:31 AM
am i …
6:31 AM
etc etc
6:31 AM
and I say, FUCKING LEAVE
6:31 AM
PULL YOUR PANTS UP, LEAVE
6:31 AM
he finally shuffles out
6:31 AM
and I slam the door, lock it
6:32 AM
— NEVER NOT LOCKING MY DOOR AGAIN —
6:35 AM
OH MY GOD HE’S BACK
6:35 AM
I CAN HEAR HIM IN THE HALLWAY
6:35 AM
door is so totally locked
6:40 AM
i think i scared the wits out of him, poor guy
6:40 AM
i have a lot of coffee in my system
6:40 AM
WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED
6:41 AM
WHY AREN’T YOU ON SKYPE AT 6:41 AM

Turns out he was my neighbor. And it turns out he drank heavily that night. And then it turns out he sleepwalks.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s