a volatile understanding

Never in my working life have I met a coworker his gets his rocks off on making me steamed and red-faced as much as my current coworker. And I’m a pretty relaxed person most of the time, but sometimes I just cannot even. He can be the worst. We get into the worst arguments for people who actually do not hate each other; we actually work pretty well together.

Five Minutes Ago:

– at his desk –
Me: …. and so that’s all the new stuff I’m planning for the recycling program. I am very excited!
Him: Huh.
Me: What is this “huh”? Get excited! Our company’s carbon footprint is down 80%! And if get him to sign off our having our trash incinerated, that will reduce it even more!
Him: *blank stare* Huh.
Me: Again – Incinerators. LED-Certification. 2.5 tons less of annual trash. This is GREAT news.
Him: Yeah, but why
Me: Pardon?
Him: Sounds like to me that you’re just wasting money.
Me: *deep breath*  It is actually not costing us anything in the end, since the cost of each green effort is actually being offset by the decrease in cost of the non-green effort.
Him: But we’re not actually gaining any money.
Me: Some.
Him: Numbers, I want NUMBERS
Me: — long winded, 5-minute explanation over the cost of recycling disposal costs less than trash disposal, tax breaks for green efforts, basically that there is a financial benefit to going green, depending on girth of investment and commitment — “…It’s slight, but it isn’t really about earning money.”
Him: Ah-ha. So a waste of money.
Me: WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN–
Him: Like, is there any actual benefit?
Me: I would like to introduce you to a concept – Global Warming. Heard of it?
Him: Yes I’ve heard of it, stop being difficult.
Me: We are doing it so our company can be environmentally responsible and feel good about doing their part. And yes, if you need a TANGIBLE benefit, if we do certain things and meet certain standards, we get to brag about it and we look good. But that isn’t the point, SIR.
Him: Yes, it is.
Me: You know me well enough to know that my jaw is literally about to come unhinged just so I can eat you alive. Can we talk about my professionalism and self-restrain?
Him: I’m just saying, that no one in corporations will ever care about going green, because there is no real monetary benefit. Besides, what do I care, I don’t even recycle my cans. Not even in the lunchroom.
Me: YOUR ARGUMENT WILL NOT BE RECYCLED. YOUR ARGUMENT I AM THROWING IN THE GARBAGE.
Him: Aha. What about your carbon footprint?
Me: It will be incinerated. Along with THE GARBAGE. Because it is green and good to do so, not because it will get us rich.
Him: You’ve made that apparent.
Me: — huge deep sigh —
Him:  You know I’m f–king with you, right?
Me: I never really know. You are always on the brink of getting punched. NOT f–king with you.
Him: Well then I haven’t tried hard enough. Why the hell aren’t the logos done?
Me: Nice try. They’re totally being smoked through as we speak.
Him: … but they’re not done?
Me: You’re clever. No.
Him: Get back to work then. How are you on the Ad Templates?
Me: Literally sitting in my outbox, I am waiting on one file’s export–
Him: SSsssh. You’re wasting my time.
Me: *totally red faced* — I CANNOT BE AT YOUR DESK —
Him: I am messing with you!
Me: Irrelevant. You are the actual worst.
Him: Get back to work.
Me: I hate you.

— five minutes later —
Me: going to lunch?
Him: yes, let’s.

I mean, it’s good. We’re fine. We might just set each other on fire. But then totally laugh about it.

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