You’ve been served

If you were a full course meal what would you be?

soup: Panera’s Chicken & Wild Rice. So good, people would be hand-scooping like a crazy-eyed bear.
salad: definitely my mom’s Potato Salad. That gets Sentence Case because it’s unofficially copywrighted as it is The Potato Salad.
meat: Roast pork or filet steak with red wine sauce
dessert: New Zealand Pavlova. All desserts want to look and taste like this.

and what complimentary beverage would you be?
I’d reincarnate as Fresca, but since I’m not being served at a rest home, I’ll come back as a glass of Hoegaarden.

Mmmm, yummy.

Fetishes

1. Golfs, VW. I unabashedly love these cars so much; in the way that most people love Aston Martins or Harleys.

2. Trailers, Aluminum. Scoff, not. They look so retro cool, outside of the trailer yard. Maybe it’s the white-trash Star Trek nerd in me coming out. It’d be so awesome to get one, put in the backyard like a shed, and turn it into a swanky office. Nevermind the neighbors thinking I’m making bombs.

3.

Less gurgling, more ‘uggggh’

Lately I’ve been on a weird zombie movie kick. I don’t know what it’s about, because they’re pretty preposterous. I’ve racked up quite a few in the last few months, including Dawn of the Dead, Land of the Dead, both Resident Evil flicks (love!), The Hills Have Eyes, a few dumb ones on TV including the awesomely terrible My Boyfriend’s Back. I’ve yet to tackle any of the real classics.

QUESTIONS:

• Why don’t they just arm the citizens with guns?
• Why is there never a cure/vaccine?
• Can someone develop a zombie rule book? We need to establish for all zombie movie makers strictly who can become a zombie and then the methods as to which you can kill them. Bullet in head? Yes. Fire? Hmmm. Snapped necks? Unacceptable.
• Why isn’t nuking ever an option?
• Why don’t they eat each other? And/or what happens when they run out of real people to eat?

I realize even trying to reason with this genre is pointless, as it’s primary purpose is to satisfy those who want to see a dead guy pull the face off some poor unfortunate. But hey, I feel pretty damn proud of myself, and I’m usually yelping and whimpering my way through most of the horror genre (example: ‘Red Dragon’. TERRIFYING.)

PS I was insulted and appalled by the ending of “Dawn of the Dead”. You’ve got some explaining to do, George Romero.

Oh, you strippers and your Caramel Lattes

So I’ve started a new part time job selling addictive substances at the Big Bad Coffee Shop. I know, boo-hiss.  Whatever – I’ve been pleasantly surprised.

This snarky article explores our McAddiction to the McCoffee Shop chain, and stumbles upon its self-proclaimed Oracle. Type in your drink order, and it tells you exactly what’s what, and thankfully, what most people think upon hearing how you like your coffee.

My drink order: Iced Nonfat Caramel Latte

Behold the Oracle’s wisdom:

Personality type: Clueless

You don’t go to Starbucks much; when you do you just tag along with other people since you have nothing better to do. You would like to order a Tazo Chai Crème but don’t know how to pronounce it. Most people who drink Grande Iced Nonfat Caramel Latte are strippers.

Also drinks: Wine coolers
Can also be found at: The mall

Slump

Where did everyone go? I have negative amount of things to do online. No new photos, events, blogs, hardly anything interesting to read about anyone as of late. You’re still breathing, seeing, hearing, talking.. right?

 P.S. HEY LAUREN. BLOG.

First day

This weather really rips. 8 straight days of unbearableness so far, with no end in sight. I don’t even need to work out anymore, I could just step outside and the fat would just melt off.

 So. Few changes.. started a new job as a barista today. Really cool people, cool place to work, the whole nine yards, but despite all this, you really just can’t shake how much starting a new job sucks. SUCKS. You don’t know anyone, don’t know anything or where anything is, and you just can’t help but feel like you’re acting like the most hapless fool since Jerry Lewis. Just get me past the first week, and then I’ll start loving all the sweet perks – like a free lb of coffee a week (high fives self).

I’m obviously back into the grind, but life’s alright. Good friends, good morale, good city, and I’m a lot more decisive about what I’m wanting to do. Really looking forward to moving into my own place, as the current situation is about as stale as that banana I threw in my sister’s bed this morning (a really good prank for those interested).

I’m not doing so good, Pearl..

You better believe I’m gonna teach my kid to be just like this one.

 Pearl the Landlord

Lest we forget

I had this thought yesterday about actors/actresses. It seemed pretty obvious, to myself at least. How much money, frivolous thought, envy, etc would be rid ourselves of if we stopped caring about the personal lives of those we won’t ever know as friends? If we just viewed those on the big and small screen as just actors or actresses?

Try deciding who you like in Hollywood solely and strictly based on their merits as an actor (i.e. ability, flexibility, role choice). Because at the end of the day, bar the occasional all-smiles interview with 20/20 or subjective puff piece, the only way we’re familiar with these people is through their performances on TV or film. That’s the only way they contribute to our everyday lives. Why should I let their messy/shining personal lives affect my respect for them as an actor/actress? So I won’t. If I’m to judge the modern day collection of Hollywood’s big names (see disclaimers below), this therefore means I’m…

At odds with:

• Jessica Alba - Just try, for once, playing an unflattering role

• Angelina Jolie - A classic example of the Tom Cruise effect, in which the audience never manages to forget who it is playing the role. So all we see is how Angelina Jolie would manage if she was a sexy spy, a sexy widow, a sexy hacker, so on and so forth.

• Hugh Grant – okay, we get it, you’re a cad. Enough already.

• Nicolas Cage – When I watch this man, all I can think is that he’s been taking way too many acting tips from David Caruso.

• Cameron Diaz – I loved her when she went all weird on us for Being John Malkovich. But since then, I’ve felt embarressed for her while watching a movie she’s in.

• Colin Firth – Show some emotion, man! He’s the acting-equivalent to the Queen of England.

Okay with:

• Alec Baldwin – smarmy, in every sense of the word.

• Jude Law – he can act, just not very flexibly.

• Peter Sarsgaard – Meagan, humor me. Sarsgaard’s acting style is so pretentious and over-annunciated. It reminds me of art or book snobs who use big words and roll their eyes when you ask for their meaning.

• Paul Giamatti – I’m torn about this man. He’s the Everyman actor, someone we enjoy watching because he acts just like someone we know.

• Micheal Caine – again, Tom Cruise effect. When he enters a scene, I half expect him to start it by turning into the camera and saying, ‘Hi, I’m Micheal Caine.’, before continuing. He brilliantly breaks free of it sometimes (most recently in ‘Children of Men’).

• John Cusack – I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s only proud of himself in half the films he’s done, the rest he just did for money.

• Drew Barrymore – a strong case in point. Let’s all divorce ourselves from the RomCom-friendly cute girl we all want to be friends with, and watch one of her films with only her performance in mind. See what I mean?

In love with:

• Laura Linney - there’s a good chance this woman is secretly in every film made in the last three years. She’s quietly awesome in everything she does, and you’re never acutely aware of how good she is because she pulls it off so seamlessly.

• Natalie Portman – it doesn’t matter what random, ‘really?’ role she does, she is always fantastic.  

• Adrien Brody – name one other actor that could make you forget about such a distinguishable nose. He could play a slice of Wonder bread and make it interesting.

• Christian Bale – finally, an actor who takes his work ridiculously, refreshingly serious.

• Scarlett Johanssen – Scoffers, please take thyself to Blockbuster and rent ‘Girl with a Pearl Earring’, pronto.

• Juliette Binoche – just breathtakingly good. You feel you owe it her and yourself to finish watching any film she’s in.

• Greg Kinnear – shining proof that a person can be both a brilliant actor and a brilliant comedian.

• Kevin Kline – He’s likely what Peter Sarsgaard aspires to be. Highly under-celebrated in my opinion, although highly admired among respectable actors.

• Kate Winslet – LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

*This is a short-list. I do realize I’ve left off the list dozens of brilliantly bad (Keanu Reeves, Kevin Costner) and good actors (Daniel Day Lewis, Ed Norton, old-timers like Brando), but it’s not like I have a rolodex of every actor in every film at hand. These are just the ones I’m particularly opinionated about, and the ones I have time to write about.

Asking the Big Questions

Potentially my proudest blog moment was seeing that someone searched for “Why do shoes from Chinatown stink?” and Google sent them over here.

To answer your question, Stinky China Shoe, it’s likely because the shoes you bought were probably stored in a moldy box right next to imposter perfumes and a huge vat of old frozen fish.

Tenenbauming

I can just see the long luxurious locks of blonde hair this kid’s gonna throw to an adoring tennis audience 15 years from now.

(click for video of 4 yr old Janny)